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  • Writer's pictureSeren (Guest Writer)

Am I really wishing you a goodbye?

Hi Preston,


It’s been a year since I said “goodbye,” and I thought I’d be able to forget you over time, but I still think of you. Maybe its because I haven’t found “the one” yet, or there’s been one too many failed talking stages after you. Regardless, I’m finding it hard to move on. It really was fun but it got complicated at the end, as we talked about. I’m sorry I cut it off so suddenly after you imagined our future together. And you promised to change. I almost believed in it. But you know why I had to do what I did, or at least you had an idea with the hints I threw at you in our conversations. I really don’t think the “right person, wrong time” idea applies to us, since we already acknowledged how different we were from the beginning. I really did wish the best for you and I did like you. You know it’s funny, because I realized I liked you when you confessed you liked me. But I wonder if my attraction to you was merely physical, nothing more, since I don’t think you really got to know the real me: my most transparent inner thoughts and my most unfiltered dreams. I realized we didn’t have that many conversations, and I regret not getting to know you better before cutting things off. Maybe if I did, I’d be more certain that things would have never worked out between us, and that would’ve given my brain more reasons to carefully slice you out of my memory. Since you know I have very selective memory. I know, I’m contradicting myself while writing this. 


We really wanted different things, but it still hurts. I know I can’t fix you but I regret not being there to even try something with you. Should I have stayed so I could introduce you to the happier things in life? To the real joys of life? On how to live more intentionally and find purpose again? I long to see your cute smile, your shy affection, your goofy personality, and your strong hands. Maybe I’m feeling extra sentimental since it’s late at night, but you really represent my romantic youth. I also did think about our possible future, but I also foresaw so many clear disappointments. So to me, I wondered what the point of trying was if I knew how it would end. So many pathways to breaking up. Just so we could both be heartbroken at the end? I don’t know… that’s not the way I live my life. Each year and each day is precious to me; I thought I might end up regretting prolonging something that I knew had a clear ending: me without you. I can see how your environment affects you and I want so badly to take you out of it. But alas, it’s the consequences to your own actions. Is it even in my place to even want this? Is it just another selfish thought of mine? I sometimes asked myself why couldn’t you have been the typical, normal boy who’s so easy to date, so normal to gush over, so natural to claim as mine. 


How are you holding up these days? I still think about the way you used your glasses to rub your eyes, the quiet way you cleaned my utensils before my next bite, the way you smiled when I asked you for water. I wish we could’ve at least kissed. I wondered how it would’ve felt kissing you. Would I have felt butterflies giving you my first kiss or would I have regretted offering you this chance? Would your lips have been soft? Would your stubble have felt rough against my cheeks? Would you have given me a soft or passionate kiss? Would you have told me you liked it and liked me even more? But what is the use in imagining? I wait for these moments of pining to go away. Because it’s obvious it’s just my passion talking - nothing more - but I also hope it’s a sign for me to reach out to you. I know it would be bread-crumbing but I just want to know if you think of me as much as I think of you. I sometimes ask myself what made you so attractive to me. Was it your height? Your smile? Your cautious but honest, heartfelt confessions? I constantly replay our dates in my head - do you still remember them as clearly as I do? Or have you forgotten them and found another girl to give your heart to? Is she prettier? I’ll be very honest, I stepped out during our last movie date, because I could barely focus on the film with the uneasy feeling I had in my gut. I looked at my reflection in the movie theater’s bathroom mirror and thought to myself, “What are you doing, Seren?” I suddenly became cold and rational; maybe that’s why it felt so right to send you that text that night. I’m sorry. I don’t cry easily, but I cried that night, knowing I had hurt you. Even now, as I’m trying to use this letter as a way to erase my desire to text you, it still makes me want to do it. Do you think I’d regret it? Would you do text me if you were in my shoes? I wish life wasn’t so serious, but it is. That’s why I couldn’t and still can’t do it. 


Is there a reason you haven’t texted me once since? Have you moved on very quickly and will you cringe away if I do send you a text? How would you respond? Would it be a short “thanks, I hope you’re doing well too.” Or would it be radio silence? Well, I have work tomorrow. 


See you, 

Seren 

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